About the San Francisco Giants, National League West Champions:

I don’t know anyone who gives a shit about the Giants except for the ever-dwindling number of old and dying people who like to tell you that Willie Mays was the greatest five-tool player of all time. Since Bonds left, this team is about as interesting as watching a dick go limp. I don’t think there are any actual Giants fans in San Francisco, a very dirty and overrated and smelly town with horrendous weather. I think there are people who occasionally go to Giants games in between chastising you for not eating food that’s been locally sourced. If the Giants go to the World Series, no one will fucking care. They even played Anaheim in a seven-game Series a while back, with Bonds, and people STILL didn’t give a shit. And people out there want you to believe that the Giants have some awesome rivalry with the Dodgers or something. Again, no one gives a shit. East Coast Bias is 100 percent for real and utterly justified because no one in the Central and Eastern time zones cares about two teams playing at 10 p.m. for the right to be crowned the best team in a state full of whiny, squash blossom-eating dipshits.

I think that is clearly the funniest shit I have ever read about the Giants. 

To the other end — about the New York Yankees, American League Wild Card:

I hate the phrase “True Yankee,” even when used derisively by people who do not like the Yankees. I hate the security guards at the Stadium, who all deserve to be stabbed to death. I hate that this team acted like it rebuilt the Twin Towers after 9/11 while simultaneously forcing fans to throw out water at the gate in a bullshit security measure so that they’d have to pay $7 for a bottle of Dasani inside the park. I hate “God Bless America,” which is a shitty song and makes New Yorkers look like brain-dead Texans every time they’re forced to stand up and sing it. I hate the 4 train, which is fucking AGONY to ride.

Most of all, I hate that this organization acts as if it’s the soul of a city when, personality-wise, it has NOTHING in common with the New York I know. The New York I know has shitloads of personality. It’s a brilliant place where anyone is free to try and make it, free to leave if they fail, and always encouraged to have a good time in between. The Yankees, on the other hand, are bunch of personality-free, militaristic fuckwads who are NEVER fun. Ever. They have nothing to do with what makes New York awesome, and the fact that they think they do is a fucking joke.